When It Doesn’t Make Sense

This morning I woke up and started my day, not going to church, but watching a ministry online and then praying and then going to the Facebook page of a friend who recently got married in late August.

As I paged through the new photos and older photos of her wedding and 3-phase honeymoon for probably the 4th time, I couldnt help but smile. For some reason I feel joy and a connection to this particular friend. We worked together decades ago and all though we are not close at all, I am so happy for her. She was engaged to a man who jilted her shortly before they were supposed to get married and he married someone else. I remember sharing a video with her about Kingdom marriage coming and how hesitant she was to receive it, but just a few months later she met her now husband.

I have 3 friends who I have been closer too in the past, all over 50 who have gotten married in the last few months. Two of them have been married before and have children, and the one I just mentioned is like me. Never been married with no children.

I have never been the one who was jealous when my friends got married. I’ve watched countless friend marry and I’ve always been happy and supportive and hopeful that it would one day be my time, but now at this age and stage of life, I often wonder, what is the point?

Yes, I want companionship and I always wanted to have a large family, but now that I am past the age to bear children I just don’t get it anymore. I know I could marry and inherit children and that would be great, but now I am at the point where it all just doesn’t make sense anymore. You see I am older than the 3 friends that I mentioned and I feel I am at the age where nobody will marry me.

I recently had a dream that I went to a church that I used to go to decades ago and the Pastor (who is single) asked me to marry him. I remember in the dream being surprised and giving in to his proposal (accepting it) because I felt sorry for him. In other words, I settled for who I really did not want. He and I have a history and when we didn’t get married years ago, I felt God spoke clearly and let me know we would not be together. I also shared the dream with him (we have been in contact loosely, nothing romantic). He never responded, but I kind of felt I should share it because I felt the dream was about more of what he may have been feeling.

I guess you may being thinking “she has a lot of nerve”. lol But even when things don’t make sense, it doesn’t mean you should settle for anything. All of the friends that married recently have beautiful stories of God bringing them their “right” husband and that is what I want.

I just felt like blogging my feelings today. I don’t know if it will help anyone, but I think I needed to write out how I was feeling. I think I am deeply disappointed in God and myself. I know marriage isn’t everything, but it was a desire for me and I believe for most Christian women and to reach this point and not be married is sad. But I will continue to move forward and work on me. If it’s in God’s plan it will come and if it’s not, I will somehow make myself content.

Stage of Life

I didn’t realize it, but I’ve been in a crisis. I’ve gone through it for a while now. Yesterday I was listening to a women’s conference online and as the minister preached about Abraham and Sarah and the disappointment Sarah must have had, never having bore a child, the floodgates broke.

As the tears streamed down my face, I realized that there was a deep disappointment in my soul, having tried my best to do the right thing, only to come up lacking. If you knew my life, you would understand how I feel and felt. I tried to live like God told me to live. I didn’t backslide and I have lived right (no, I’m not perfect).

But when you get to a certain point in life and all that you have believed God for has eluded you, you can become bitter and it can fester and grow deep down inside. And then as a women, your ‘value” goes down, as you age according to the world, and sadly even in the church.

When I look in the mirror, the reflection in no way reflects the number, however the number is still the number. A couple of weeks ago, I picked up a prescription from the pharmacy and you have to give your date of birth and the girl behind the counter asked me if the prescription was for me. When I said yes, she was stunned. She was shocked at my age, and honestly I am too. I’m shell-shocked. (lol) She thought I was in my thirties.

Honestly, I feel as though, it too late for a lot of things. I’ve kind of given up hope. I have thought perhaps it’s not meant to be. Perhaps I will not have a family. This has been deep inside for sometime now, all while speaking words of faith.

In the midst of this though, I received a word of clarity about all the back and forth with moving. At one time, It may have been God’s method, but the prophet recently addressed the fact that every time I have made plans, something has gone wrong, and that deep down inside I knew the answer.

In spite of everything I just shared, I still believe God. My greatest hope is that God’s perfect plan will prevail and manifest, but I now know that the way it will happen has changed. Thank God! He is wanting to protect me because God knows that I have gone through so much, that I could not bear anymore disappointment. Thank God for the prophetic! God is going to bring my blessing to me and that is because he is mindful of my stage of life.

Have the promises of God eluded you, all while you are getting older? God knows something about it we don’t know. If this is your concern, you still must trust God!

Genesis 21:1-2

New International Version (NIV)

The Birth of Isaac

21 Now the Lord was gracious to Sarah as he had said, and the Lord did for Sarah what he had promised.² Sarah became pregnant and bore a son to Abraham in his old age, at the very time God had promised him.

Living in a society that is hard on women

Let’s face it; women are objectified. All you have to do is go through the check-out counter and read the magazines and you can see that in this society women are defined by the number on the scale and how their face looks.

It’s hard to be a women in the world today. Our society glorifies youth and beauty.. (even though most young people don’t have a clue). So why do people think you have to be twenty-something the be valued?

Even in Christendom, women feel the pressure to be “perfect”. This past Sunday I listened to my former Pastor online and he was talking about how sometimes a women should meet her husband at the door wearing nothing but Saran Wrap and heels. lol. Now don’t get me wrong, I understood the point and was not opposed to what he was saying. But later I thought, what does the seventy-something woman do, when she is pass that stage of life?

There is a trememdous pressure on women to look a certain way, (not saying it’s bad to look good) but our society does not really value women beyond what she looks like. Case in point Susan Boyle (Britains Got Talent 2009). She was immediately judged because of how she looked, but once she opened her mouth, it was a different story. I heard recently she received 100 million hits on youtube. What a lesson in judging people on looks alone.

I am working on become the best that I can be, but I refuse to be defined by the outward alone. And people who don’t value me now, won’t value me later after I reach my goals. As Christians we must remember to look beyond the outward to the best of our ability.

1 Samuel 16:7

The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart. NIV

Proverbs 31:30

Favor is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman the fears the LORD, she shall be praised.