This morning I woke up and started my day, not going to church, but watching a ministry online and then praying and then going to the Facebook page of a friend who recently got married in late August.
As I paged through the new photos and older photos of her wedding and 3-phase honeymoon for probably the 4th time, I couldnt help but smile. For some reason I feel joy and a connection to this particular friend. We worked together decades ago and all though we are not close at all, I am so happy for her. She was engaged to a man who jilted her shortly before they were supposed to get married and he married someone else. I remember sharing a video with her about Kingdom marriage coming and how hesitant she was to receive it, but just a few months later she met her now husband.
I have 3 friends who I have been closer too in the past, all over 50 who have gotten married in the last few months. Two of them have been married before and have children, and the one I just mentioned is like me. Never been married with no children.
I have never been the one who was jealous when my friends got married. I’ve watched countless friend marry and I’ve always been happy and supportive and hopeful that it would one day be my time, but now at this age and stage of life, I often wonder, what is the point?
Yes, I want companionship and I always wanted to have a large family, but now that I am past the age to bear children I just don’t get it anymore. I know I could marry and inherit children and that would be great, but now I am at the point where it all just doesn’t make sense anymore. You see I am older than the 3 friends that I mentioned and I feel I am at the age where nobody will marry me.
I recently had a dream that I went to a church that I used to go to decades ago and the Pastor (who is single) asked me to marry him. I remember in the dream being surprised and giving in to his proposal (accepting it) because I felt sorry for him. In other words, I settled for who I really did not want. He and I have a history and when we didn’t get married years ago, I felt God spoke clearly and let me know we would not be together. I also shared the dream with him (we have been in contact loosely, nothing romantic). He never responded, but I kind of felt I should share it because I felt the dream was about more of what he may have been feeling.
I guess you may being thinking “she has a lot of nerve”. lol But even when things don’t make sense, it doesn’t mean you should settle for anything. All of the friends that married recently have beautiful stories of God bringing them their “right” husband and that is what I want.
I just felt like blogging my feelings today. I don’t know if it will help anyone, but I think I needed to write out how I was feeling. I think I am deeply disappointed in God and myself. I know marriage isn’t everything, but it was a desire for me and I believe for most Christian women and to reach this point and not be married is sad. But I will continue to move forward and work on me. If it’s in God’s plan it will come and if it’s not, I will somehow make myself content.