Oh, you don’t know who the secret crush is in your life? Well, maybe that’s because you have become too comfortable with looking forward to seeing the daycare girl, the grocery girl, the after work girl or even the church girl. Still not following?
Here’s some background …
My buddy told me a story the other day about a married friend of his who had a “daycare girl,” and, yes, it was at the church daycare. Each time this married man would show up to church, he would gladly take the kids over to the daycare.
Why? Because he wanted to see his “hush” crush. In other words, he looked forward to seeing a woman that worked there that hit all the right points in him. Something about her drew him in, in the worst way. I can’t verify if it was her look, her fragrance, her long or short hair, or just her personality. It was something though. That something was slowly destroying his marriage and he couldn’t even see it.
I can’t sit here and type and say that I have never struggled in this area. Early in my marriage and before I truly understood the consequences, I would somehow spot a beautiful woman. If I was at work, I’d get distracted with one woman in particular. If I went out with friends to a restaurant, a particular waitress might catch my eye and, you guessed it, I’d keep going back for looks.
It required no communication between the two of us, the looking and wondering was enough. These innocent occasions became a primary contributor to the decay of my marriage. At the time, “I didn’t know or understand,” was a convenient excuse. But now I know and NOW I take action to protect my marriage. Oh, and by the way, NOW you know TOO! Keep reading…
Who might not understand?
First off, the newlywed man might not get what I’m saying. Why? Because when marriage is new and fresh, his bride is every bit his crush. In most cases, both spouses have attempted to be at the top of their game for each other. And there is very little history to make you want or think you need another woman.
Hear my words newlywed men, do everything you can to protect your marriage right from the start. Understand that looking at other women with lustful eyes will only damage the view you have for your bride. No matter what, do everything you can to make her the only woman gaining your affection. If you find yourself being brought into the beauty of another woman, do what you can to control your emotions, get out of the situation and if needed refer to these 5 tips.
The second type of man who might not understand is the man in denial. Typically, this will be the man who has been married for some time. The years have maybe taken its toll on the marriage and there is plenty of history to use as excuses. He might have one woman in particular he likes, or he might have multiples set up at different areas.
Hear my words, men. “Stop, look and listen. Are you in denial about the habits, thoughts and actions that are threatening your marriage? Are you blatantly permitting your marriage to be destroyed? Just because the years have rolled on, a nuclear argument had occurred, or the communication has dried up, doesn’t permit us to fix our issues by finding someone else.
Find help now! Get out of your comfort zone and talk about your marriage concerns with a trustworthy and stable married male friend or pastor. Hiding your problems will only seek to force you out of your comfort zone in a much more costly way. Let him know what has been going on in your marriage and seek to find a resolution to your problems. Whatever you do, do not seek advice on how to fix your marriage from one of the women you secretly (or openly) like. More on that topic here.
If you think your situation is different or requires more specialized attention, please use this contact page link. Let’s talk it out.
What does the Word say?
A great section of verses for this type of scenario can be found in Mathew 19:1-10. The Pharisees are doing their classic test questions against Jesus about the topics of marriage and divorce.
Jesus responded with some critical information for them and for us. Having a secret crush is plain out sexual immorality. This is one of the only reasons it is acceptable to entertain divorce. Another important thing to note is that husbands are to cleave to their wife. Husbands are to become one with their wife, not their secret crush. Dig in and read the rest of this verse section if you haven’t yet. Start praying now that if you’re in this scenario, God would bring closure and clarity to your situation.
What’s the Bottom Line?
Your wife should be the only crush you have in your life (other than Jesus). She is the one you chose to say your Vows to and she is the one you swore your love to for the rest of your life. To seek a crush elsewhere would question your very integrity. It would violate the very laws of what it means to be a good and faithful husband.
In case you didn’t read the above paragraphs and need to know why your secret crush could destroy your marriage. Here are 3 reasons why you need to stop seeing her and 3 ways to help you in the future:
Why you need to stop seeing her now:
1. Because you’re are a one-woman man, and your wife deserves your all.
2. Because a secret crush will destroy you and your marriage (matter of time)
3. Because Jesus has made you one flesh with your wife. To betray your wife would be to betray Jesus.
3 tools to help you in the future:
1. Open up and be honest about your situation with a friend now. Confess it, explain it, seek forgiveness and start working past it.
2. The next time the opportunity comes up to see her. Man Up and either get in and get out or request that your wife handle the situation or duty at hand.
3. Get humble and start praying for your wife and your marriage. Make your focus more on Jesus and your wife. It will change everything.
What are some ways you’re able to avoid distractions and stay focused on your marriage?
Manturity is a blog built on establishing spiritual maturity in today’s man. The goal is to assist men in building better marriages and help them in grow in maturity and explore different aspects of manhood. Manturity.com features new weekly blog posts, daily social media updates and a powerful resources page. Stay up to date with the Manturity blog communities on Facebook and Twitter.
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8 thoughts on “Love Series: Time to Dump Your Crush!”
How timely. I am working through the ramifications of this subject even as we speak! Am trusting the Lord to help me move forward in a way that honors him and corrects the communication problem. That is the problem in adultery, communication. It took this event to catch my attention. The Lord convinced me to blog about all of my experiences in order for me to capture the wisdom of those who have recovered and to be able to process Psalm 51 carefully and correctly!
I knew this article would help someone. Thanks foe visiting!
I didn’t have a chance to comment on your post on your blog earlier because I was too busy and for some reason I can’t see the writing when I tried to leave a comment. But any, be encouraged!! God will deliver!! You are in my prayers.
I appreciate your prayers. I am learning it is perhaps the hiding of the affairs from other Christians more than the affair itself that has caused me the most problems. This is why the Blog was started. In 12 step recovery, step 9 requires making amends. I need wise brothers and sisters (I have “met” two of the strongest, toughest Christian women who have found my blog and have followed and commented who are brilliant writers. They are a source of tremendous comfort) who can guide my recovery without destroying myself or the lives of others.
Glad you have support. Though I can’t identify by experience, I feel sad for your struggle. Be blessed.
That is a good thing!
Don’t mean to make you feel bad, but I know!!
I am just thankful for your taking the time to read my blog and offer your insight. I need as much as I can get at this point!