The Process of Letting Go

Yes, I know this is an odd title. It seems everything I read today was talking about not giving up, but to be honest with you, I read several posts and tweets etc. and I still have no desire to hold on. The truth is I am tired of the contrary winds and the nonsense, the rejection, the arrows and thorns and I have just decided I am not going to keep going on this path.

I am reckoning my vision “dead”. And it has nothing to do with a person, but it’s more the circumstance. I am sick and tired of the circumstance. I thought I had overcome, but I guess the truth is I have not.

I read some words today that were like an arrow through the heart and honestly it wasn’t like it wasn’t something I didn’t already know, but why try to hold on to something when I am the only person holding on? It just doesn’t make sense anymore. I can try to spiritualize this if I want, but I can’t do it anymore. Some situations speak to our humanity and I am only human and as the bible says, as a woman, the weaker vessel, and there is so much I can take.

I have been here before. I’ve wanted to let go of this “vision” I am carrying on several occasions, but each time, I was drawn back either by someone or I guess the Holy Spirit, I don’t know anymore.

In my mind NOTHING can make this better. There is nothing that could ever redeem this situation (at least that is how I see it). I know God has given me a choice and I choose today to let go and each and every day, I am going to let go a little more and more until I am completely free. And really there is no comment or word of encouragement that’s going to change how I feel. I WANT OUT!

I’m not into this “new age” mindset about being happy. Happiness is fleeting. What we as Christians need to strive for is true joy. And my joy has been gone for a while and I want it back and it’s going to come through letting go. I have held onto something way too long, but this time, I’m letting go and I’m not looking back!

Love Series: You Asked for it!

It’s hard not to see all that is going on in the celebrity world when you have social media accounts. Unless you are living under a rock, I’m sure you have heard that entertainer Nick Cannon is divorcing his wife, singer Mariah Carey.

Although, I don’t know these people, I had hoped they could make it. I hope that for all couples, but in their case it seemed to be a case of true love. Nick, “confessed” his way into marrying Mariah. Whenever he was asked who his celebrity crush was, he would say “Mariah Carey”.  Well I had read that she heard about it and gave him a chance and they had a whirlwind romance and marriage resulting in 2 children, but sadly after 6 years Nick is divorcing Mariah (is how it’s being reported).

We can only go by what we hear, but this story is so eye-opening to me. Here is a man who so wanted this woman and now six years later they are reporting that he is anxious to get away from her and I must admit that he looks relieved now that he is “single” again. So what happened?

We will never know the full story. Recently Nick came to the defense of his soon to be ex-wife (admirable) but clearly something was very wrong for a man to leave the woman he loved so dearly. Mariah has had public breakdowns in the past and it’s said that Nick is concerned about her mental health. But we can’t be sure and probably will never know.

All I can say is this is the woman Nick wanted so badly. He asked for her, confessed her and now it’s seems he can’t get away from her quick enough. But she is who he wanted so badly!!

I have been praying for God’s perfect Will to be done concerning love and marriage. I will not settle for anything other than His perfect Will. No matter how much I want to run to someone else away from God’s Will, I do not want to wake up and realize that I got what I asked for and it turns into my worse nightmare. What about you?

Heres what we don’t realize. God will give you exactly what you want (we have free will), but then we will wake up in a nightmare because we just had to have what we wanted!

P.S. I am praying for reconciliation in this marriage!

Psalm 106:15 New King James Version (NKJV)

15 And He gave them their request, But sent leanness into their soul.

Unfazed Pt. 2

So in my earlier post, I made a big bold proclamation that my vision was dead, and at the time that is how I wanted it. But when you carry a God given promise this long, it’s not that easy to move on.

The truth is my vision IS NOT DEAD. I was just speaking out of my emotions and feeling hurt, but God knows how much we can bear. So my tool is prayer and fasting and after one day of doing that I was back on track.

First the Lord spoke to me in a very unique way. An email popped up that said “Sheila, today is the day”. Well it got my attention because God often speaks to me using the word “today”. So all that day I was looking for a manifestation and late in the evening God spoke through someone letting me know the vision was not dead. It wasn’t so much the words, but who it was that said it and I will leave it at that. That was all I needed to know. God is still with me. God had also spoken and said some other things that I need not put in this post.

But I do have to say that a dream that my friend had about my vision is finally happening. My prayer partner dreamed I was watching someone go contrary to God’s plan (a plan which includes me) and I was unfazed. Well I have to say I have finally reached that point. God has done such a work in my heart that I am no longer hurt by what I see. it’s like it’s become meaningless because the truth is it’s all a part of God’s plan and trust me this is going to work for my good in the end. Oh yes it will!!

So what does it mean to be unfazed? It’s means that you are not moved but it, whatever it is. Thank God, it’s seems I have finally gotten to that place. A place of real peace!

Love Series: I Don’t Have a Clue

confused-womanHave you ever been there? Well I am in a conundrum! I don’t have a clue what to do or what is required of me, yet I feel there is an expectation.

As a woman what are we supposed to do about relationships? If a man shows no interest, says nothing and does nothing, then what are we are women to do? I was always told if he does nothing, neither do you.

For some reason in this day and age, that seems to be interpreted as disinterest. But where I come from, it means you’re a lady.

You see a lady NEVER chases a man. The reason is the minute you seem to put any effort into showing interest it will be turned around and thrown in your face and you will be made to seem like the chaser.

And really, what should you do if that man has interest in someone else? Double nothing. (Is that even proper English?) lol

I don’t have clue what to do, nor what is required of me. But I know what I can do and am doing. I am going to just work on me and when the time is right, I just trust things will come together.

No scripture. Just being real. ;-)

 

Disqualified? I Don’t Think So!

Have you ever had someone try to disqualify you because you were human? LOL. Well don’t worry about it because God sees all and knows all and we have all fallen short of God’s glory!Thank God He looks at the heart and knows the thoughts and intent within.

Look, I don’t want to paint a perfect picture of myself, but I am probably the queen of never! What I mean is that I’ve never done this and I’ve never done that, LOL. But that does not make me perfect. I have faults just like everyone else.  And just because I do, does NOT disqualify me from what God has said. I just want to share what happened to me.

Listen, the sweetest person in the world can be provoked to turn into someone else, when they are played with emotionally, so men, let me just say this. Don’t play with a woman emotions because TRUST ME, she will become someone else.

I don’t consider myself a woman with a temper at all. Yes, I can get mad, even fighting mad, and the truth is the only person who could take me there was my Dad and that was because he was not nice to me. So when I got to the point where I could stand up for myself I did. I don’t know what it was about my Dad, but perhaps I expected for him to protect me but instead he provoked me.

Well along comes a man who I greatly admired and had somewhat of a crush on and honestly in the grand scheme of things, I should not have allowed something so insignificant to make me so upset because this man never materialized in my life (all online), but it is what it is. I was too trusting and he played me a few times online and silly me, I fell for it. Hook line and sinker!

I cannot judge his motives. I don’t know if he was sincere or if he was just entertaining himself, but I took it seriously. Well, it took me a long time to forgive, but what happened after is that I have a low tolerance for mess. Don’t lead me on or create hope in my heart if you mean me no good. Men, just don’t play with a woman’s heart. While it’s may just be a game to you, she may have taken your words seriously. Well that is what happened to me. Mature woman chronologically, but like a little girl inside.

Men don’t get it, because if they did, they would not do half the stuff that they do. Your small insignificant “I love you” can resonate in the heart of a woman and stay there for years and you have moved on, but she hasn’t. That’s why men need to gauge their words. Even if you love her, it may not be time to say it right then, if EVER. We need to stop throwing “I love you” around so quickly!!

To say I went off on this man is an understatement. The truth is I had no idea this was in my character until all of this took place. But at the root of it was that I cared for him and had begun to open up my heart. So does that disqualify me from being used of God, having a hope and a future? Does that mean I am not spiritual? Well if it does, let’s just say we are ALL disqualified.

Here is the truth as I see it: My actions were provoked! He can stay in denial all he wants, but that is the truth. I felt as though I was played with and that is what made me react the way that I did and even just recently. Matters of the heart can go left quickly! But does that make me right and justified in behaving a certain way. No it doesn’t. I was wrong!

Well God knows how to heal as only He can, but here is the key. We ALL have to own how we contributed to the situation and after we do it, just repent and move on, into what God has for us.

Matthew 6:14 English Standard Version (ESV)

14 For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you,