Yes, I know this is an odd title. It seems everything I read today was talking about not giving up, but to be honest with you, I read several posts and tweets etc. and I still have no desire to hold on. The truth is I am tired of the contrary winds and the nonsense, the rejection, the arrows and thorns and I have just decided I am not going to keep going on this path.
I am reckoning my vision “dead”. And it has nothing to do with a person, but it’s more the circumstance. I am sick and tired of the circumstance. I thought I had overcome, but I guess the truth is I have not.
I read some words today that were like an arrow through the heart and honestly it wasn’t like it wasn’t something I didn’t already know, but why try to hold on to something when I am the only person holding on? It just doesn’t make sense anymore. I can try to spiritualize this if I want, but I can’t do it anymore. Some situations speak to our humanity and I am only human and as the bible says, as a woman, the weaker vessel, and there is so much I can take.
I have been here before. I’ve wanted to let go of this “vision” I am carrying on several occasions, but each time, I was drawn back either by someone or I guess the Holy Spirit, I don’t know anymore.
In my mind NOTHING can make this better. There is nothing that could ever redeem this situation (at least that is how I see it). I know God has given me a choice and I choose today to let go and each and every day, I am going to let go a little more and more until I am completely free. And really there is no comment or word of encouragement that’s going to change how I feel. I WANT OUT!
I’m not into this “new age” mindset about being happy. Happiness is fleeting. What we as Christians need to strive for is true joy. And my joy has been gone for a while and I want it back and it’s going to come through letting go. I have held onto something way too long, but this time, I’m letting go and I’m not looking back!